where to go from here...

Today was a day of celebration for our close friends Ashley & Clint. One of the three weddings we are attending this year. Embarrassed to say we couldn't stay for much of the celebration. I feel like we are awful people right now and I'm not sure to blame you or not. Our friends care a lot about us and I feel like we have let them down, you and me together. You are making things very hard for me to handle any more and my heart keeps breaking. I don't understand why you stay away for so long in the evenings after work and now we are back to this. You can't go out and have a good time anywhere without realying on alcohol. And then there's today. I'm not sure who to be right now, the angry girlfriend who has had enough or the sympathetic girl whose heart is bigger than the world and will find someway to forgive you again.. I poor my heart and soul into loving you and it doesn't seem like it is ever going to make a difference. I've lost a lot of hope. I look at others who are starting lives and families together and envy what they have while you leave me at home alone to wither in my loneliness some more. I try finding things to occupy my time so I'm not at home waiting on your call or for you to walk through the door, but it's pointless bc I still wonder and worry. I don't think you will ever realize what you are doing to me until it's all over with. I have grown to accept and love lots of things about you and you gave me your family and your daughter at a time in my life when I needed the love that they provide and now you are taking it all away. It's not fair. Where did the man go who loved me truly? That man was happy. I want him as my partner, not you. It's unclear where we go from here and it will continue to be painful on my end, bc as long as I keep sacrificing my wishes and wants in life, and block my heart, it keeps me here, in your daughter's life. And she is everything to me little do you care. My heart goes so deep for this little girl. I hate asking myself what it is I need to do when I'm the last person who is capable of only thinking about her self.